tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
