Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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