so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
