You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She bit a glass in half.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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