Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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