Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
