Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
