I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
