yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
