It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
