this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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