in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize