she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
