Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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