he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
