There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
