I can text with my tongue
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
