i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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