i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
