I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
