Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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