I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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