Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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