My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
