I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
