You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
