We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You ruined the universe
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
