I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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