Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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