70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
