My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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