you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
