I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
