nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
