I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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