The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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