dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
