I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
