He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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