Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
