Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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