i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
