I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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