Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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