I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
