Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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