What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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