I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
