i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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