Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
