Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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