why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
