Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
